|So depressed I want to cry, or so happy I want to cry...? Maybe a bit of both.
||[Feb. 21st, 2005|04:48 pm]
|||||Styx- Come Sail Away||]|
"I guess what I'm saying is that this all feels very familiar. But it's not mine to be familiar about. I just know that another kid has felt this. This one time when it's peaceful outside, and you're seeing things move, and you don't want to, and everyone is asleep. And the books you've read have been read by other people. And all the songs you've loved have been heard by other people. And that girl that's pretty to you is pretty to other people. And you know that if you looked at these facts when you were happy, you would feel great because you are describing 'unity.'"
I can't really say what happened (specifics, at least), as usual, but I can tell you that it was amazing, and I feel infinite.
But he came over as he always does to see Jace and Cody, and spent the weekend. I wasn't expecting him to be there. When I walked in, his hair was wet because he'd walked in the rain and the second I saw him it was like a blow to the stomach, because he is just so beautiful.
Nothing really happened friday night. Or Saturday night. Nothing of note that needs to be put here at least. But Sunday night...I wish on everything that I could make it sound how it feels, or how it felt.
It was no longer this...let's pretend kind of thing. It was open, and it didn't feel wrong, like I thought it would. We were together the whole night. Where one went, the other went, and it was perfect. It got rather later, and we were sitting together, and I bent over. He started rubbing my back, and just leaned in and asked if I was ok. Jace was on the computer two feet away, and the other guys were watching tv...normally he would just ask, "Are you okay?" really loudly. But this time, he leaned in to me, and just whispered, "You okay?" and it was so much more intimate. Every time he went to hold my hand, or run his hand through my hair, or any small gesture of affection...I'd get this little flutter in my heart.
I know this all sounds ridiculous, and its probably because I'm listening to beautiful music. But it was a beautiful thing, so I want it to sound right to me.
We stayed up until five a.m., sunday morning. I had to be at work by eight, so when I left, the only thing I was thinking about was coming back to see him. All day. It was the longest day of my life. When I was finally off, I was nervous driving home. I just wanted to see him.
Then I got home. I went in the house, and no one was there. So I thought maybe they had all gone somewhere and would come back, and called my stepmom to find out. Jace and Cody went to their friends house for the night, and everyone else had gone home.
So I went in my room and cried. For a really long time. Then I went to sleep, at 4 in the afternoon. I didn't wake up until ten the next morning.
Maybe I'm just partly scared because the next time I see him, it might not be the same. And if it isn't, if he isn't as amazing, then what will I think?
I'm sorry. You didn't have to read this, whoever did. I only know of three of you, so...yeah. Ignore it.